thank you

To all who are calling and emailing to check in on us, sending verses, sharing so many encouraging words, and posting on their blogs: thank you! In these times, friends are truly a blessing. A trite phrase, but I mean it. As this year wears on with more terrible new experiences than I ever could have imagined, my poor friends and family are digging deep to uphold me in each new one. I can't stand having to share bad news with you.....being affected myself is one thing, but to have to share the grief of so many people who love and root for our children, it's really tough and some days I think I can't take it anymore.

So if I don't get to reply to each one, please accept this thank you! I'm so backed up on work (this week also had an adoption, remember) and yet am having trouble concentrating when I do have computer time.

Tonight I was remembering this night...

...just two weeks ago. Maybe baby Joel was just tired with the dinner (our last with volunteer Dan before he traveled), but when he got fussy I offered him his bottle. After a few sips he started to coo and smile at me so much he couldn't keep drinking. Then he started his cooing! I was in the middle of talking with others, but he got me all distracted and we had to ignore the rest of the world for a minute and carry on a conversation. He was a real talker!

The night before, May 27, Katrina was looking at our wall of pictures in the Baby Home of every child that has passed through our doors in all three homes. We started to speculate which child might be the next to leave the Baby Home (in adoption) and when we might have room for new ones. It was crazy to think of that the next day, when Joel so very unexpectedly was the next to go. How little we know! As I Corinthians says, we see through a glass dimly and know only in part...

Today I spent some time reading about loss and grief/losing a baby in some books I have (yeah, super cheery Saturday morning reading). One line stuck out to me about coping mechanisms, how "some mothers want to immediately have another baby to compensate for their loss". In spite of everything, I had to chuckle. Not many "mothers" could immediately have TWO new babies. Shortly after Katrina and I got back from the hospital on Thursday morning, the social worker from the main maternity hospital here in Cochabamba called us begging us to take two abandoned babies. They needed the incubators they were in and didn't have space to keep them any longer.

My social worker told her no and told me an hour or two later (smart woman!). I wanted to call back with all my heart, but my mind knew it probably wasn't the healthiest. ...Although to have another tiny one to wear in the sling while I work, or at night, sounded marvelous. But now after processing a little, I realize I wanted Joel Jhon to arrive again. That would've been unfair for a new baby, to be our Joel for us again.

So I made the hard decision to honor the social worker's decision. If she had consulted with me, I know I would have said that one of them could come, and we would have had a new baby in our arms by evening. As scary as it is to think of being entrusted with another little one, so fragile. All in God's timing....

Okay I really do need to do something else, like pick up my room or something else on my massively huge task list.

Thanks again to everyone for your support. It means a lot!