thoughts....

Too many thoughts. After 10 very full, intense days in a row with not much rest, yesterday I was convinced by those closest to me to take today off. If only my brain would take off as well! I still worked on sponsorship packets this afternoon from my family’s place (have finished CDA I and III kids and started on II, yeah!), but otherwise I rested. Read, swam with my sister Emma, caught up on a couple blogs, ate too much of my Mom's baked goods, and watched several "I Love Lucy" shows my family just found on DVD here (laughter is such good medicine!).

It was a mixed blessing. For one it was weird to not be working like crazy in the office or with kids, but more it was hard to just not…THINK. Too much. Must have shown because our worship leader called me after rehearsal tonight to ask if something was wrong and if I’m okay. WELL I have lost a baby, that’s what’s wrong. Be okay? Yes. Someday. Hopefully sooner rather than later so that I can be an inspiring leader to the rest of the staff. But not today. Today I need the inspiration to go forward.

The Bible study our women’s group here has just begun is “Walking By Faith: Lessons Learned in the Dark”. I need to soak it up!

I am reading a book my Mom had the visiting photographer bring last week, “The Duggars: 20 and Counting!” (their website) It’s fun to read and is one of my favorite subjects ever (even if they have two sets of twins...).

I must deal with our loss from every angle, or at least observe it from every viewpoint. The caregivers have an empty crib to work around. Notes about Gabi's special health needs that we no longer need. She was the only baby here currently on lactose free milk. I think I will take all those cans to house III.

In the office, we've had reports to present to the government and court about what happened. It was not easy at all to help write the last one. We don't know when/if social services and/or the court might come to inspect or question us.

Maria (our social work and medical assistant) is re-writing Gabriel's social report as a "single" child and not a twin. I proof-read everything.

Rosa (administrator) and I are making notes on the backs of all the receipts for the month of January for our accountant. Many are related to the chicken pox and Gabriela's care.

I feel accountable to the dozens of people around the world who also love our babies and kids. So many others take our joys and pain as their own. Normally I translate and pass on much of the correspondence to the staff, but I haven't decided what to do this time yet.

So many facets of this...

Yesterday morning Rosa and Maria and I (the office team) talked and cried together for nearly an hour before starting our day. Rosa told me the staff are more united and working in love more than ever. Maria preached at me about acceptance and letting go, for my own mental and emotional health. I needed to hear all God led her to speak.

We all talked about praying more for our children, stepping it up a notch in the care, and re-organizing ourselves to be able to work better every day, but particularly in times of health crisis like the period we just went through. It was a good time. Honestly it was the first time I had seen something positive coming out of losing Gabriela, and it encouraged me. I know that supposedly there is always a good side to everything; I just hadn't seen even one glimmer of that yet.

After a tragedy, it opens the door to so many fears and doubts and worries. I've had to go on a major "take thoughts captive" campaign, or else I know I'll go under. It's the first time I've doubted our ability to care for so many fragile babies at once, and it's a very disconcerting, new feeling.

In fact, I've already gone down. ~grin~ A couple mornings ago as I climbed the stairs to the third floor office, I tripped hard. In using my hands to save my laptop (and camera and agenda), I banged up my left knee, right ribs, and right arm really good. About annually most of us here at the 3 story Baby Home have a good fall. For me it's usually going up (I blame it on the big feet). This time it was totally because I was so tired and "out" of it. Scared Rosa to death--probably why she pushed for this day off! It actually feels good-more appropriate-to be in physical pain.


I will get back to the happier posts again, I promise. I want to, there just haven’t been many moments like that again, yet. There will be better days. I feel like just scooping up all the babies and staff of the Baby Home and spending a couple hours in a park to get everyone out. Do something happy and something besides talk about medicine and who has what, but that's not possible unless we have a team of volunteers (plus it's rainy season).

Thanks for all your prayers. I'm happy that I will have a very very busy day tomorrow.